Post by tikva on Nov 24, 2008 22:09:01 GMT 12
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:06:59 AM
My 17 yr old is currently in a Youth Justice Facility, and in 13 days will be sentenced to Prison. His 3 siblings, who haven't seen him since March when he was first arrested, are coming with me to visit him, and it will no doubt be a long time before we are all together again as a family. And you know, it guts me inside. I am looking forward to seeing him, but I'm also dreading it, as I know that next time I can visit him it will be in a Prison. I've never visited anyone in Prison before, and have no comprehension at all on what it will be like.
God, how I wish I could just gather my Son up in my arms, and take him somewhere I can protect him. But, he stuffed up, big time, and what happens to him now is completely beyond my control. If only I had done the right thing by him as a Mother when he was much younger, then he wouldn't be in the position he is now. But you can't change the past, can you? And unfortunately, often not only yourself, but others also have to live by your mistakes.
I can only hope and pray that my Son comes out of this having learned an extremely valuable lesson, and still with goals for his future intact. Since he has been on remand he has already completed his NCEA Level One, and enrolled at the Correspondence School for quite a few subjects as well, so that's something. As long as prison doesn't steal all of his hopes and goals from him, he'll be okay.
If you as a Parent know that you're not being the best Parent you can be for your child/ren right now, then I urge you to not leave it too late like I did. Protect and love them now, while you can, and do your best to not make them live by your mistakes..........
Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry
Lynz SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:12:29 AM
You should not beat up on yourself. He is thinking sentient being and being held accountable for decisions he chose to make.
But I hope you are correct, and that he has learned his lesson. Prison can sometimes make people better. You can only pray that is the case.
kaiapoi55
8/11/2008 9:13:22 AM
Hope yoru visit goes well for you & your other 3 children, visiting your son in prison .....you will be fine. I have visited a few people in prison, it's not that bad.
dabiarch SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:17:28 AM
Prison has a ghabit of stealing hopes and goals...it will be fine if they were the hopes and goals that sent him in there in the first place....
Just make a family reunion of it today.with no recriminations..you'll enjoy it more
summernz SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:18:14 AM
Hi Yochana,
I admire your courage to put your life out there onto the community canvas and I feel that as none of our children came into the world with a "how to care for this treasure guide "- we as parents all ventured upon a steep learning curve.So do not to be too harsh on your self.
And as it is with curves you cannot see around the corners or predict how any of your actions will impact upon others.
Continue to take care of yourself and focus on your strengths and those of all your children - take each day as it unfolds and hold onto your dreams and aspirations - these can move mountains..
Thinking of you all today
Happy
wren22nz
8/11/2008 9:28:47 AM
A great post Yochana!
Although it is never possible to regain time that has passed, it is very positive to recognise the link between our actions and events, and plan for an improved future.
Your son is young. He still has plenty of time for a great life, and I hope with you that he learns from his mistakes, makes the most of his opportunities, and is treated fairly and justly.
It is very natural for a parent to want to protect their children from consequences that seem harsh. But does he see you as united with the justice system in wanting him to face consequences, or see you as wanting to protect him from them?
I hope the visit goes well for all of you! Happy
gregcush 300+ exp
8/11/2008 8:17:43 PM
My thoughts are with you. I know what you are going through. Ihave been in the same positionCry
Be strong fo your family and enjoy your visit.Hug (hug)
Let us no how you got on
Fishman1
8/11/2008 8:20:55 PM
17 with three kids and heading to prison? Confused
wren22nz
8/11/2008 8:23:39 PM
no, three siblings
Fishman1
8/11/2008 8:25:14 PM
Oh sorry read that wrong.
Patty11
8/11/2008 8:34:07 PM
Seems he's making some progress in regard to his education, so there's hope he persists and your support helps him change his ways. As he's still very young, there's always hope for him.
Good luck!
NigelfromNZ
8/11/2008 10:45:38 PM
If he's doing a long enough lag, he might be able to get into a Focus Unit. The guys who go through the intensive units -- such as Maori Focus and the Faith-Based Unit -- seem to get more out of their time.
Don't lose hope! Thumbs up (tu)
[My father worked in the Justice Department (Now Department of Corrections) in the 1970s. He told me that many people go into prison during their rebellious years but by about the age of 28 they settle down (with family interests, etc) and become law-abiding. He reckoned prison wasn't doing much to achieve reform. The Focus Units seem to have better rates of graduation without going back (recidivism).]
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
10/11/2008 8:29:57 PM
Thank you all for your encouraging and helpful words. I got back from Christchurch today, after being allowed two visits with my Son, and they went well. Sunday's was the best as we took lunch in with us and we able to eat together as a family. Boy, does my Son look and sound different though!! He has piled on weight (used to be tall and slender), and even talked differently, no doubt due to the people he spends each and every day with. They even let us take a few family photo's, so am pleased about that.
He's starting to get scared now though, which is only natural. I'm sure that once he's actually in the Youth Prison and adjusted to it, he will feel better. Since March, it's been like we're counting the days til he gets sentenced, but once he is sentenced, at least we can start counting the days til he is free and can come home again.............
Once again, Thanks!
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:33:05 PM
Well, it's finally over. Seven long months counting down to Sentencing Day, 7 months in which my Son has been held in Youth Justice South which meant I was only able to see him 3 times. But God, this sucks, it really sucks. He got 3 yrs and 7 mths, in Youth Prison. And if I had only done the right thing for him when he was just a little boy, and protected him from my abusive Ex, then he wouldn't be where he is today.
Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry
Feeling kind numb, stunned and in a bit of shock right now, but at least we can now start counting down to he day that he can come home again. Sad :(Sad :(Sad :(Sad :(Sad
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:43:26 PM
I'm sorry, did you make his bad decision for him? No? Then give up on the woe is me stuff.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:49:49 PM
NO, but I allowed him to go thru things that led to an unhealthy state of mind, a mind from which he made the bad decisions.
This isn't Woe Is Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is woe is him.
SJones SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:50:54 PM
He made the bad decision. He must be held accountable for it. I imagine you are feeling bad - i couldnt put myself in your shoes right now. I have a 17 year old son and the thought of him doing anything serious enough to go to court (let alone prison) makes me want to heave. SO you ****ed up as a mother. Pull your socks up, move on and do the best you can NOW with the children who are with you. Unfortunately there may be no hope for the eldest boy, but you can try your damndest to ensure your other children feel safe and secure and have a better life. Dont dwell on the past, perfect now, every day as much as you can
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:51:29 PM Thanks, SJones.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:52:26 PM
Then why make it about you and what you did wrong? If it is a woe is him, then it should be all about him and not what you did wrong.
RAKinNZ SmileCity Gold Member600+ exp
24/11/2008 5:53:13 PM
Hug (hug)Hug (hug)Hug (hug)Yochana.
You have done all you could, so now its up to him if he learns from HIS mistake.....or not.
lydian SmileCity Gold Member
24/11/2008 5:57:37 PM
What a wonderful post Yochana. There is'nt much you can do now but wait. I hope you do not get too depressed about your son in jail. Time to focus on your other 3 siblings now.
Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 6:04:53 PM
"Then why make it about you and what you did wrong? If it is a woe is him, then it should be all about him and not what you did wrong."
Because I feel guilty for not being a good mother to him. If I had of been, then he wouldn't be where he is now. Why not try to read and comprehend, instead of being intent on turning this into a 'Yochana Woe Is Me' thread. Or is that too much to ask?
Get_Nailed 300+ exp
24/11/2008 6:28:58 PM
So what did he do?
titch SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:14:59 PM
"Because I feel guilty for not being a good mother to him. If I had of been, then he wouldn't be where he is now."
Yochana, don't blame yourself or your parenting for where you son is now. Many offenders come from loving homes with good parents.
Your son may have made a bad choice and done something wrong, that sounds like he looking at serving time for. He made the choice to do that, (unless u told him to do it, at the time), for whatever reason, he made the choice to do it.......... people offend for many reasons, and parents faults is not one of them. If he blames you for his offending then he is minimising and shifting responsibility for what he has done........
Your son will need your unconditional love thru this, and not your guilt, this is where your parenting is really tested, as you will have to support him thru what he has done. so hopefully he bounces out after he has served his time, rehabilitated and not wanting to re-offend again.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:30:18 PM
I'm sorry but you blaming yourself means you get exactly what you want. People saying oh it's not your fault he did what he did, I'm sure you did all you could at the time. Because that's what people in SC do, come into a thread like this and say oh, it's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about it. And I know you are smart enough to know that yourself.
So I am going to say, good job he is in prison for a decision he made. It has everything to do with you because you were a crap mother and it IS your fault.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:31:11 PM
Maybe he will learn to be a better person in prison and when he has kids, doesn't do what you did and be a crap parent.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:35:07 PM I hope so anyway.
SkYLiNeNZ
24/11/2008 7:41:24 PM
Guts, just teach him the right ways even when he is in there, when he comes out he will be more experienced in criminal things.
In prison you will make some good friends as you need them to help you survive and you should be worried your son doesnt get involved in worse things while in the place that is supposed to make him a better person.
If you dont mind me asking, what did he do?
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:18:47 PM
Yes I WAS a crap Mum, but where you're concerned, meijba, Goodbye. Run along now and join the other FCE's here.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:27:10 PM
For the other replies, I do not believe it is wise to share what it is that he has done, as that would allow him to be identified, which isn't fair on him.
As mentioned earlier in the thread, he has been getting himself educated since he has been on Remand, and is still determined to continue in that. He does not blame me at all, and accepts the consequences of his own actions. He has shown great remorse for what he did, and I have much hope that he will come out of Prison and move on into a more positive life, one that does not involve crime.
And yes, I (unlike his other parent ~ that's for you FCE's), have and will be standing by him 100%. I love him, will support him, and will be with him all the way, as I will be for my other children.
I'm sure that most know that forgiving oneself can be the hardest thing to do, and in time, I'm sure I will be able to.
Lyn1965 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:32:19 PM
Yochana
Regardless of what you feel as a mother being good or bad. We each choose what path we take good or bad.
I do understand that you love your son. And it hurts you that he is off to prison. But you do have other children at home and he made his choice whether you or I agree with his choice to be in his place.
Sometimes you have to stand by that choice and the reaction you get from it whether you see it as right or wrong.
No one has the right to tell you that you can't love him. No one has to tell you where the line in unconditional love is. You know your line. And while you hurt others may come from the side that has put your son their.
Just remember for every action their will be a reaction. Blaming yourself for his actions is not going to make it better for him or you. Let him owe what he has done. And you hold on to that you do love him. No one can take the mother out of you. But he must owe his mistakes. No one goes to prison that easy these days as we are all too PC.
Good luck in the coming months.
debs26 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:47:25 PM
As usual you play the, abusive ex card.."if only I had kept him from my abusive ex".....as if the fact that your ex was abusive was the only crap this kid had to deal with...not just the foster system, mums chosen profession at one time, not to mention his scream for help at New Year when he tried to take his own life.
For gods sake at least have the balls to be honest about your role in all this, and not just not protecting him
What about all the other crap that YOU, not your EX exposed him too!!!
FFS earlier in the year you were in here going on and on and on about what a tosser he was to not be in touch with the kids, and today its all, not keeping them from him
Can you not see how unstable that it, how inconsistent and damaging.
Yes, your son made some pretty crap decisions, one that has lead to this, but there have been so many warning signs along the way....after all, you have shared each and every one.
The truth is, you probably could have done more....no denying that
But now he has to travel this road alone, and personally I hope he is stronger for that....
I do wish him the best and hope that finally now, he can get some help to repair the damage done to him and his spirit by both his FATHER and his MOTHER.
debs26 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:50:31 PM
For the record, I have read so many, urgh so blimmin many posts from you about moving on and bettering your life.
But until you honestly truly own your part in the place you are in in your life now, you honestly and truthfully admit to your decisions. That will never happen
Because I am forever reading about it all, but I also hear the excuses, abusive ex, low self esteem, yada yada yada.
Never once have you said, my life sucks because I make crappy decisions and I have hurt my family.
Not once, and until you own that, well this just all sounds to rehearsed to me
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:58:10 PM
1. He was never in the foster system.
2. I did not abuse him, other than by not protecting him.
3. His father DID abuse him, physically, emotionally, mentally, right from when he was very young. His 11th birthday present from him was a punch in the head and a few kicks to his body as he lay on the floor.
4. He approved of my choice of employment back then.
5. If there is one person who wants zero contact from his blood donor, it is this particular Son. It is his SIBLINGS that miss contact with their 'father'.
You know, some times it helps to get your facts straight before letting your fingers wander over the keyboard. And proof of these facts will in due course be provided.
You, Debs26, are only operating on hearsay ~ you weren't there. So, maybe in time, you can make an informed opinion, one based on truth and not lies.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 11:00:00 PM
Sheesh, you are dumber than I thought. Try reading, and maybe then you will see that I AM clearly stating that I made crappy decisions and hurt my family.
Now fly away to your other FCE's, ok?
8/11/2008 9:06:59 AM
My 17 yr old is currently in a Youth Justice Facility, and in 13 days will be sentenced to Prison. His 3 siblings, who haven't seen him since March when he was first arrested, are coming with me to visit him, and it will no doubt be a long time before we are all together again as a family. And you know, it guts me inside. I am looking forward to seeing him, but I'm also dreading it, as I know that next time I can visit him it will be in a Prison. I've never visited anyone in Prison before, and have no comprehension at all on what it will be like.
God, how I wish I could just gather my Son up in my arms, and take him somewhere I can protect him. But, he stuffed up, big time, and what happens to him now is completely beyond my control. If only I had done the right thing by him as a Mother when he was much younger, then he wouldn't be in the position he is now. But you can't change the past, can you? And unfortunately, often not only yourself, but others also have to live by your mistakes.
I can only hope and pray that my Son comes out of this having learned an extremely valuable lesson, and still with goals for his future intact. Since he has been on remand he has already completed his NCEA Level One, and enrolled at the Correspondence School for quite a few subjects as well, so that's something. As long as prison doesn't steal all of his hopes and goals from him, he'll be okay.
If you as a Parent know that you're not being the best Parent you can be for your child/ren right now, then I urge you to not leave it too late like I did. Protect and love them now, while you can, and do your best to not make them live by your mistakes..........
Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry
Lynz SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:12:29 AM
You should not beat up on yourself. He is thinking sentient being and being held accountable for decisions he chose to make.
But I hope you are correct, and that he has learned his lesson. Prison can sometimes make people better. You can only pray that is the case.
kaiapoi55
8/11/2008 9:13:22 AM
Hope yoru visit goes well for you & your other 3 children, visiting your son in prison .....you will be fine. I have visited a few people in prison, it's not that bad.
dabiarch SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:17:28 AM
Prison has a ghabit of stealing hopes and goals...it will be fine if they were the hopes and goals that sent him in there in the first place....
Just make a family reunion of it today.with no recriminations..you'll enjoy it more
summernz SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
8/11/2008 9:18:14 AM
Hi Yochana,
I admire your courage to put your life out there onto the community canvas and I feel that as none of our children came into the world with a "how to care for this treasure guide "- we as parents all ventured upon a steep learning curve.So do not to be too harsh on your self.
And as it is with curves you cannot see around the corners or predict how any of your actions will impact upon others.
Continue to take care of yourself and focus on your strengths and those of all your children - take each day as it unfolds and hold onto your dreams and aspirations - these can move mountains..
Thinking of you all today
Happy
wren22nz
8/11/2008 9:28:47 AM
A great post Yochana!
Although it is never possible to regain time that has passed, it is very positive to recognise the link between our actions and events, and plan for an improved future.
Your son is young. He still has plenty of time for a great life, and I hope with you that he learns from his mistakes, makes the most of his opportunities, and is treated fairly and justly.
It is very natural for a parent to want to protect their children from consequences that seem harsh. But does he see you as united with the justice system in wanting him to face consequences, or see you as wanting to protect him from them?
I hope the visit goes well for all of you! Happy
gregcush 300+ exp
8/11/2008 8:17:43 PM
My thoughts are with you. I know what you are going through. Ihave been in the same positionCry
Be strong fo your family and enjoy your visit.Hug (hug)
Let us no how you got on
Fishman1
8/11/2008 8:20:55 PM
17 with three kids and heading to prison? Confused
wren22nz
8/11/2008 8:23:39 PM
no, three siblings
Fishman1
8/11/2008 8:25:14 PM
Oh sorry read that wrong.
Patty11
8/11/2008 8:34:07 PM
Seems he's making some progress in regard to his education, so there's hope he persists and your support helps him change his ways. As he's still very young, there's always hope for him.
Good luck!
NigelfromNZ
8/11/2008 10:45:38 PM
If he's doing a long enough lag, he might be able to get into a Focus Unit. The guys who go through the intensive units -- such as Maori Focus and the Faith-Based Unit -- seem to get more out of their time.
Don't lose hope! Thumbs up (tu)
[My father worked in the Justice Department (Now Department of Corrections) in the 1970s. He told me that many people go into prison during their rebellious years but by about the age of 28 they settle down (with family interests, etc) and become law-abiding. He reckoned prison wasn't doing much to achieve reform. The Focus Units seem to have better rates of graduation without going back (recidivism).]
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
10/11/2008 8:29:57 PM
Thank you all for your encouraging and helpful words. I got back from Christchurch today, after being allowed two visits with my Son, and they went well. Sunday's was the best as we took lunch in with us and we able to eat together as a family. Boy, does my Son look and sound different though!! He has piled on weight (used to be tall and slender), and even talked differently, no doubt due to the people he spends each and every day with. They even let us take a few family photo's, so am pleased about that.
He's starting to get scared now though, which is only natural. I'm sure that once he's actually in the Youth Prison and adjusted to it, he will feel better. Since March, it's been like we're counting the days til he gets sentenced, but once he is sentenced, at least we can start counting the days til he is free and can come home again.............
Once again, Thanks!
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:33:05 PM
Well, it's finally over. Seven long months counting down to Sentencing Day, 7 months in which my Son has been held in Youth Justice South which meant I was only able to see him 3 times. But God, this sucks, it really sucks. He got 3 yrs and 7 mths, in Youth Prison. And if I had only done the right thing for him when he was just a little boy, and protected him from my abusive Ex, then he wouldn't be where he is today.
Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry :'(Cry
Feeling kind numb, stunned and in a bit of shock right now, but at least we can now start counting down to he day that he can come home again. Sad :(Sad :(Sad :(Sad :(Sad
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:43:26 PM
I'm sorry, did you make his bad decision for him? No? Then give up on the woe is me stuff.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:49:49 PM
NO, but I allowed him to go thru things that led to an unhealthy state of mind, a mind from which he made the bad decisions.
This isn't Woe Is Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is woe is him.
SJones SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:50:54 PM
He made the bad decision. He must be held accountable for it. I imagine you are feeling bad - i couldnt put myself in your shoes right now. I have a 17 year old son and the thought of him doing anything serious enough to go to court (let alone prison) makes me want to heave. SO you ****ed up as a mother. Pull your socks up, move on and do the best you can NOW with the children who are with you. Unfortunately there may be no hope for the eldest boy, but you can try your damndest to ensure your other children feel safe and secure and have a better life. Dont dwell on the past, perfect now, every day as much as you can
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:51:29 PM Thanks, SJones.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 5:52:26 PM
Then why make it about you and what you did wrong? If it is a woe is him, then it should be all about him and not what you did wrong.
RAKinNZ SmileCity Gold Member600+ exp
24/11/2008 5:53:13 PM
Hug (hug)Hug (hug)Hug (hug)Yochana.
You have done all you could, so now its up to him if he learns from HIS mistake.....or not.
lydian SmileCity Gold Member
24/11/2008 5:57:37 PM
What a wonderful post Yochana. There is'nt much you can do now but wait. I hope you do not get too depressed about your son in jail. Time to focus on your other 3 siblings now.
Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 6:04:53 PM
"Then why make it about you and what you did wrong? If it is a woe is him, then it should be all about him and not what you did wrong."
Because I feel guilty for not being a good mother to him. If I had of been, then he wouldn't be where he is now. Why not try to read and comprehend, instead of being intent on turning this into a 'Yochana Woe Is Me' thread. Or is that too much to ask?
Get_Nailed 300+ exp
24/11/2008 6:28:58 PM
So what did he do?
titch SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:14:59 PM
"Because I feel guilty for not being a good mother to him. If I had of been, then he wouldn't be where he is now."
Yochana, don't blame yourself or your parenting for where you son is now. Many offenders come from loving homes with good parents.
Your son may have made a bad choice and done something wrong, that sounds like he looking at serving time for. He made the choice to do that, (unless u told him to do it, at the time), for whatever reason, he made the choice to do it.......... people offend for many reasons, and parents faults is not one of them. If he blames you for his offending then he is minimising and shifting responsibility for what he has done........
Your son will need your unconditional love thru this, and not your guilt, this is where your parenting is really tested, as you will have to support him thru what he has done. so hopefully he bounces out after he has served his time, rehabilitated and not wanting to re-offend again.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:30:18 PM
I'm sorry but you blaming yourself means you get exactly what you want. People saying oh it's not your fault he did what he did, I'm sure you did all you could at the time. Because that's what people in SC do, come into a thread like this and say oh, it's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about it. And I know you are smart enough to know that yourself.
So I am going to say, good job he is in prison for a decision he made. It has everything to do with you because you were a crap mother and it IS your fault.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:31:11 PM
Maybe he will learn to be a better person in prison and when he has kids, doesn't do what you did and be a crap parent.
mebeija 300+ exp
24/11/2008 7:35:07 PM I hope so anyway.
SkYLiNeNZ
24/11/2008 7:41:24 PM
Guts, just teach him the right ways even when he is in there, when he comes out he will be more experienced in criminal things.
In prison you will make some good friends as you need them to help you survive and you should be worried your son doesnt get involved in worse things while in the place that is supposed to make him a better person.
If you dont mind me asking, what did he do?
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:18:47 PM
Yes I WAS a crap Mum, but where you're concerned, meijba, Goodbye. Run along now and join the other FCE's here.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:27:10 PM
For the other replies, I do not believe it is wise to share what it is that he has done, as that would allow him to be identified, which isn't fair on him.
As mentioned earlier in the thread, he has been getting himself educated since he has been on Remand, and is still determined to continue in that. He does not blame me at all, and accepts the consequences of his own actions. He has shown great remorse for what he did, and I have much hope that he will come out of Prison and move on into a more positive life, one that does not involve crime.
And yes, I (unlike his other parent ~ that's for you FCE's), have and will be standing by him 100%. I love him, will support him, and will be with him all the way, as I will be for my other children.
I'm sure that most know that forgiving oneself can be the hardest thing to do, and in time, I'm sure I will be able to.
Lyn1965 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:32:19 PM
Yochana
Regardless of what you feel as a mother being good or bad. We each choose what path we take good or bad.
I do understand that you love your son. And it hurts you that he is off to prison. But you do have other children at home and he made his choice whether you or I agree with his choice to be in his place.
Sometimes you have to stand by that choice and the reaction you get from it whether you see it as right or wrong.
No one has the right to tell you that you can't love him. No one has to tell you where the line in unconditional love is. You know your line. And while you hurt others may come from the side that has put your son their.
Just remember for every action their will be a reaction. Blaming yourself for his actions is not going to make it better for him or you. Let him owe what he has done. And you hold on to that you do love him. No one can take the mother out of you. But he must owe his mistakes. No one goes to prison that easy these days as we are all too PC.
Good luck in the coming months.
debs26 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:47:25 PM
As usual you play the, abusive ex card.."if only I had kept him from my abusive ex".....as if the fact that your ex was abusive was the only crap this kid had to deal with...not just the foster system, mums chosen profession at one time, not to mention his scream for help at New Year when he tried to take his own life.
For gods sake at least have the balls to be honest about your role in all this, and not just not protecting him
What about all the other crap that YOU, not your EX exposed him too!!!
FFS earlier in the year you were in here going on and on and on about what a tosser he was to not be in touch with the kids, and today its all, not keeping them from him
Can you not see how unstable that it, how inconsistent and damaging.
Yes, your son made some pretty crap decisions, one that has lead to this, but there have been so many warning signs along the way....after all, you have shared each and every one.
The truth is, you probably could have done more....no denying that
But now he has to travel this road alone, and personally I hope he is stronger for that....
I do wish him the best and hope that finally now, he can get some help to repair the damage done to him and his spirit by both his FATHER and his MOTHER.
debs26 SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:50:31 PM
For the record, I have read so many, urgh so blimmin many posts from you about moving on and bettering your life.
But until you honestly truly own your part in the place you are in in your life now, you honestly and truthfully admit to your decisions. That will never happen
Because I am forever reading about it all, but I also hear the excuses, abusive ex, low self esteem, yada yada yada.
Never once have you said, my life sucks because I make crappy decisions and I have hurt my family.
Not once, and until you own that, well this just all sounds to rehearsed to me
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 10:58:10 PM
1. He was never in the foster system.
2. I did not abuse him, other than by not protecting him.
3. His father DID abuse him, physically, emotionally, mentally, right from when he was very young. His 11th birthday present from him was a punch in the head and a few kicks to his body as he lay on the floor.
4. He approved of my choice of employment back then.
5. If there is one person who wants zero contact from his blood donor, it is this particular Son. It is his SIBLINGS that miss contact with their 'father'.
You know, some times it helps to get your facts straight before letting your fingers wander over the keyboard. And proof of these facts will in due course be provided.
You, Debs26, are only operating on hearsay ~ you weren't there. So, maybe in time, you can make an informed opinion, one based on truth and not lies.
Yochana SmileCity Gold Member300+ exp
24/11/2008 11:00:00 PM
Sheesh, you are dumber than I thought. Try reading, and maybe then you will see that I AM clearly stating that I made crappy decisions and hurt my family.
Now fly away to your other FCE's, ok?
