I'm no fan of Jesus_Christ, but he does raise one or two points about why SC's membership could get it's noses firmly out of joint....
This thread is called "Finding my Killer"
smilecity.co.nz/Community/ForumPost.aspx?topicid=183077Very few Zambuka-ites mentioned, thankfully.
Jesus_Christ
23/07/2009 11:03:36 AM An earlier version of this thread was posted not long ago. Upon the realisation that the original was woefully inadequete, I have updated this post and the list of suspects accordingly, to provide a better and more complete picture of the situation
As you will all be aware, I have been receiving threatening emails from the Smile City administration of late. They have told me that certain members of the forum are unhappy with my behaviour and have been reporting me for moderation. These people will undoubtedly be the end of me. While a thread title like "finding my killer" may seem melodramatic and more than slightly over the top at this point, I have almost no doubt that the prediction implicit therein will soon come to pass. I feel, as I have told our dearest Sophie, as though my ban is now inevitable. It falls upon me, then, if they will not own up, to mercilessly hunt down those who have precipitated my death, i.e. those who have reported me.
Thanks to our beloved Scuff, I have developed, in order to aid me in my investigation, a list of primary suspects:
1. Scuff: While there may be little, if any, evidence to support this theory of mine, it is awfully suspect that her lone appearance in weeks (perhaps months, if I am truly vigilant) was to post a waving smiley in a thread directly relating to my warning emails from Admin. A nod towards her guilt? Perhaps.
2. The Man-Fish: Elusive though he has been of late, the Sentient Fish has exactly the right degree of fascination with me to warrant being a suspect. Frequently did he seek out my threads with his fish-like gaze, debated with me often, showed signs of both fascination and contempt, had a paranoid insistence that I was swearing at him, and above all was at the scene of every potential crime. These factors, and undoubtedly more, make the Man-Fish a prime suspect.
3. Psalter: This suspect is on my list because it is always safe to expect the unexpected. My aspergers-inflicted friend was highly amused with my frequent and unrelenting decision to place my cavalry in the trees when playing Rome: Total War. It was a military maneouver seemingly so silly that it was never anticipated by the enemy. Thus, I must equip myself with the foresight my enemies on the battlefield did not have, and put forth the frigthening prospect that I may have indeed reported myself.
4. Savant: Now a lost relic of Smile City past, Savant would not normally have been on my list; however, I have received a tip-off from Smurf, who suggests that Savant is displeased by my demeanour on the forum, perhaps jealous that he no longer has the opportunity to be as self-assuredly forthright as I now am. This brings me to my next suspect.
5. SmUrF____187: Three words: shifting the blame.
6. Feigeleh: Much as I respect Feigeleh and do not want to put him on this list, it would be foolish of me to overlook my oldest of enemies: the Jews. I also recently said that it was okay to be Socialist. This would be reason enough for him to report me.
7. Master5o1: As we must all know by now, Master is no longer with us. He was banned for 7 years (later reduced to 1 year) after altering the forum's HTML and discovering a method whereby he could delete other people's posts at will. Why, then, would he have reported me? He has the motivation. Locked cold and alone in his newly spawned dystopia that he calls Tartarus, it would only be logical for him to report as many of Tartarus' members as possible so as to give him company in his ever increasing insanity. This would also explain a number of other recent banninations.
8. Waireka: Seemingly a benevolent friend of Jesus, Waireka did fall victim to an unfortunate experiment of mine when she posted, by accident, a goatse picture in one of my threads. My conscious failure to act in deleting the picture resulted in her being banned for a year; a ban that was later reversed, but only after a significantly hefty ordeal in informing Admin of what had happened.
9. Alan111: Having had a recent altercation with me regarding the value of people with higher levels of melanin, Alan received a 2 day ban after I provoked him into making some extremely racist comments. Alan is also a troll, and it is not below a troll to report those who are not.
10. Nightwalker: Worried that conventional religion is a threat to his new age nonsense, and perhaps offended by a recent thread complaining about his recent threads, Nightwalker is a likely suspect to be interfering with the very existence of Jesus himself. Nightwalker is also a particularly shady name if you ask me.
11. Kimarhi: Not to be overlooked, Kimarhi has fashioned herself in Smile City as an omniscient God-like figure; though it is almost certain that she would remove "like" from God-like. The belief of her and others that she is the one true God have, for as long as I can remember, been under threat from my claim to being Jesus and consequently the messiah; incarnation of God on Earth. It would not be beyond comprehension that her religious ferver toward her belief in herself would drive her to seal for me a second crucifixion.
12. Mother_genius: This suspect, upon the posting of the original list, was immediately insistent that I was reported by "some random" for no apparent reason, and that I should stop being a "drama queen", leave it at that, and move on. Herein we may have another case of someone trying to divert, or even diffuse entirely, the blame.
13. Dodge_girl: Perhaps a little too relieved that she did not make the original list, Dodge_girl at very least gives cause for inquiry.
14. Kevin50: All Kevin appears to do in the forum is participate in games threads and post nothing but copious amounts of smilies. It all seems a bit too innocent to me. To employ a rather Byzantine mentality, he must be up to something.
15. ALESHA17: Solely because I insulted her baby when I was pretending to have one.
16. Wren22nz: Amiable though Wren is, there are some worrying traits of which she is in the possession. Most notably, Wren always appears more interested than anyone else in what I think. This has important ramifications. It could be, if we imagine for a moment, that Wren is building a profile on me which she may be using to plot my ultimate downfall. Alternatively, her questioning of my views may be a subtle form of provocation, to get me to say things that might be deemed socially unacceptable; bannable offences. This theory is, of course, absurd. This is exactly why I like it.
17. Cheetaih: Some would argue that our beloved Cheetaih could not possibly muster the coherent sentences to accurately report me to Admin, but perhaps this is exactly the point; perhaps he is meaning to report someone else.
18. Dream_Builder: Much as I like him, I did take one awfully large swing at his predictably homogenous political views. This swing he took a great deal of offence to, and later set up a, supposedly tongue-in-cheek, thread about people on here whom he detests. Was Jesus amongst them? Time, and a little bit of thorough investigation, will only tell.
19. Danthor: Last, but oh most certainly not least, is Danthor. Few of you will even be aware of who Danthor is, let alone his true identity. A search for Danthor in the forum will not even produce a single thread, and the only known record of him is here: one of my threads from late 2005. Why, then, is he a suspect? Simply because I know him personally. Oscar Wilde once said that "true friends stab you in the front", and in this case I certainly have not discounted the possibility. Danthor is the only individual known to me personally who still has the potential to roam this forum and inflict cold judgement upon my actions. He, along with the other 18 suspects on this list, is central to my investigation.
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And those are the potential suspects. Who, then, dunnit?
