Politicionary

[Roadhog]

From blogger Cameron "Whaleoil" Slater
whaleoil.gotcha.co.nz/

This is the Offi­cial List of approved VRWC nick­names for any­one involved in Pol­i­tics in New Zealand. All nick­names are sub­ject to change as cir­cum­stances change.
Mem­bers of Parliament

Amy “Belinda”Adams
Jim “Bernie” Ander­ton
Jacinda “giddy up”Ardern
Shane “Myr­tle” Ardern
Chris “Cock in Hole” Auchinvole

Kan­waljit Singh “Pull­start” Bak­shi
“Silent P” Rick Barker
Carol “caropota­mus “Beau­mont
David “The Other” Ben­nett
Paula “Ben­e­fit” Ben­nett
Jackie “water” Blue
Chester “debt” Bor­rows
John “Spanky” Boscawen (alter­nate: “Lam­ing­ton”)
Simon “Just-in” Bridges
Gerry “Broke­back” Brown­lee (alter­nate: “Salad Dodger”)
Bren­don Lord Burns of Marlborough

Cam “the Mad Den­tist” Calder
Chris “Crus­ing” Carter (alter­nates: “Koru Club”, “Mem­ber for Dubai”)
David “Brown Enve­lope” Carter
John “Hone” Carter (alter­nate: “Mem­ber for Raro­tonga”)
“Mr.” Steve Chad­wick (alter­nate: “Dad wanted a Boy”)
Charles “Gladys” Chau­vel
Asraf “Stoner” Choud­hary
Helen "She-Beast" Clark
David “Mys­tery” Clen­don
Jonathan “Punchy” Cole­man
Judith “Crusher” Collins
“Creepy” Clay­ton Cos­grove, Clay­ton (alter­nates: “Plug­head”, “meat”)
David “Silent T” Cun­liffe
Clare “Panty Slut Boy Slayer” Curran

Lianne ”Patsy” Dalziel,
Kelvin Lit­tle School” Davis
Jacqui “H20″ Dean
Cather­ine “uni­corn” Delahunty (alter­nates: “mem­ber for mars”, “Delakunty”)
Sir Roger “Yeltsin” Dou­glas (alter­nates: “Cot­ton Hill”)
Peter “Roth­mans Dunne (alternates:”easy”, “marge”)
Ruth “tuck in” Dyson

“Karori” Bill Eng­lish (alter­nates: “Dip­stick from Dip­ton”, “Pay the Bill”)
Darien “Ren­ton” Fen­ton (alter­nate: “mem­ber for Hel­mand”, “Smack­head”)
Christo­pher “Tin­ker­bell Fin­layson (alter­nate: “Mavis”, “the best min­is­ter of the arts since Sir Les Pat­ter­son”)
Jeanette “Compo” Fitzsi­mons (alter­nate: “Stinky”)
Te Ururoa “Troy” Flavell
Craig “Den­tal” Foss

David “The Brown Bot­tle” Gar­rett (alter­nate: “Water­cooler”)
Aaron “Kal El” Gilmore (alter­nates: “Happy”, “The Ital­ian Job”)
Phil “Seat Warmer” Goff (alter­nates: “Tran­sit lounge”, “Noddy”)
Jo “Goody” Good­hew
San­dra “Coro­man­del Cougar” Goudie
Kennedy “Runt” Gra­ham
Tim “Rag­head” Groser (alter­nates: “Allah PBUH”, “Vil­lage”)
Nathan “that” Guy

Kevin “Con­ven­tion” Hague
“Hon­est” Hone Harawira (alter­nates: “Min­ster for Cul­tural Sen­si­tiv­ity”, “Hone Le Pen”, “Smack Daddy”)
“Shakin” George Hawkins (alter­nates: “Uncle Albert”, “The Great Ora­tor”)
John “Bud­dha” Hayes (alter­nate: “Sta­ples”)
Phil “Craig” Heat­ley
Tau “China Chin” Henare
Rod­ney “Tango” Hide (alter­nates: “Rhino”, “Run ‘n’”, “Raw”)
Alfred E. (Chris) Hip­kins (alter­nates: “ranga”, “the baby faced numpty”, “Pinky”, “Richie”)
Pete “Flash­dance” Hodg­son (alter­nate: “Gol­lum”)
Parekura “Whop­per” Horo­mia (alter­nates: “Meat­pie”, “BK”, “Jabba”, “Big Ben”)
Dar­ren “Pri­vate Dancer” Hughes (alter­nates: “Adrian Mole”, “Joe 90″, “Spawn of Satan”, “The child Helen never had”, “The Last Boy Scout”, “Hughes-Clark”, “Leader’s Lit­tle Helper”)
Ray­mond “Who-O” Huo
Paul “Dr Feel­good” Hutchison

Shane “Five Chins” Jones
Steven “Car­di­nal Rich­lieu” Joyce (alter­nate: “Joy­stick”)
Rahui “Door Mat” Katene
Nikki “One Can” Kaye
Sue “Shadbolt’s Busted damn” Ked­g­ley (alter­nate: “Instant Kofi”, “No Snappa”)
John “Smil­ing Assas­sin” Key
Annette “Mar­ried to the Mob” King (alter­nates: “Wes Craven’s den­tal assis­tant”, “Full Moon”, “Rogered”)
Colin “Dr Who” King (alter­nate: “Elvis”)

Luimachuwum­bama Win­nie Laban (alter­nate: “The Nice Win­nie”)
Melissa “Odd-Job” Lee
Iain “Two Fathers” Lees-Galloway
Keith “Pol Pot” Locke
“Chief” Peseta Sam Lotu-Iiga

Tim “Bluey” Macin­doe (alter­nates : “Macca”, “New Zealand’s Next Top Finance Min­is­ter”, “Winston’s Bitch”)
Moana “The Shark” Mackey
Nanaia “Tainui Princess” Mahuta
Trevor “Tiger” Mal­lard (alter­nates: “Putin”, “Bluto”, “Biff”)
Wayne “Com­fort­able Shoes” Mapp
Todd “Boris” McClay
Mur­ray “Char­lie Wil­son” McCully (alter­nates: “The Dark Lord”, “Prince of Dark­ness”, “Machi­avelli”, “The Sith Lord”)
Sue “The Chin” Moroney

Stu­art “Man­grove” Nash
Rus­sel “Gin­ger Whinger” Nor­man (alter­nate “The Ocker Shocker”)
Damien “Whale-rider-rider” O’Connor (alter­nate: “Duelling banjo”)
Hekia “Wira” Parata
David “Rowl­ing” Parker (alter­nate: “Valet”)
Allan “Clem” Peachey (alter­nate: “Drib­bles”)
Lynne “Quit­ter” Pil­lay
Simon “FIGJAM” Power
Rajen “Vin­daloo” Prasad (alter­nate “The Who”)

Paul “Bruiser” Quinn (alter­nate: “The Mighty”)
“Vege” Mita Rir­inui
Grant “Daffyd” Robert­son
Ross “Spot” Robert­son (alter­nate: “Scoop”)
“Pub­lic” Eric Roy (alter­nate: “Rob”)
“Pri­vate” Heather Roy (alter­nate: “Sitiveni“)
Tony “Wardrobe” Ryall

Carmel “Slice” Sepu­loni,
Kat­rina “Lamb” Shanks (alter­nate: “The Pony”)
Pita “Pte. God­frey” Sharples
David “Black­wa­ter” Shearer
Su’a William “So So” Sio,
Lock­wood “Smug­gler” Smith
Nick “Quota” Smith
Maryan “The Hus­band” Street (alter­nates: “Snap­per Jaws”, “Dead End”)

Georgina te Heuheu “Grub”
Lind­say “The Hob­bit” Tisch
Anne “The Closer” Tol­ley
Chris “Paki” Tremain
Metiria “Tiki” Turei
“Aunty Tar­i­ana Turia
Phil “Gary” Twyford (alter­nate: “Gary Glit­ter”, “Take one for the Team”, “Chut­ney”, “Labour’s Leper”, “Spokesman for the Home­less“)

Louise “Loulou” Upston
“Mis­tress” Nicky Wag­ner
Kate “Nana” Wilkin­son
Mau­rice “Tig­ger” Williamson
Pansy “Ting Tong” Wong
Michael “The Ref” Wood­house
Jonathan “Preacher” Young

[Roderick]

;D

[Roadhog]

24/7; Sweat shop approach to labour.
Benchmark; A standard either impossible to attain or easily attained depending on whether you get to set the bench mark.
Best practice; The CEO/Minister’s way of doing things
Big picture; A way of defending the indefensible by implying there is a strategy involved and it is not simply a stuff up.
Blue Sky; An overly optimistic view, usually accompanied by the phrase Green Fields, denoting little or no chance of a screw up but inevitably ending in a dark day.
Bottom line; The amount of profit that determines your bonus. Every piece of policy and planning is there fore focussed on achieving bottom line and therefore bonus – even at the longer-term risk of destroying the company/SOE. Example: Kordia
Brainstorm; Picking someone else’s brain, stealing the idea and representing it as your own because you have no real idea what to do otherwise.
Business model; How the company/SOE should be run but never is.
Churn; You get this if you run 24/7, it usually denotes the number of people fired, quit, made redun­dant, died or disappeared from your labour force which also, inevitably, leads to churn in your audience.
Client focus: Sucking up, see Do Lunch.
Core business; The difficult and boring bit otherwise known as broadcasting which is nowhere near as good as some harebrained blue skies green fields opportunity which means you cannot be judged by measurable results.
Cross functional; Making your problem everyone else’s problem.
Customer focussed/ client focussed; Sucking up for business.
Do lunch; A good way of remaining client focussed (and then unfocussed).
Excom; A senior management committee comprised mainly of people who have never worked in the productive side of the business.
Empower; You empower someone by dumping your crap on them to sort out.
Fast track; Ram it through before any one can object.
Feedback; Criticism disguised as constructive advice.
Future proof; Cover your arse.
Game plan; Hopefully a way of achieving the Big Picture or, at the very least, the pretence of a strat­egy.
Green Fields; No-one’s tried it before so we can make a killing and, even if we don’t, because no-one’s tried it before success can not be truly measured and we can’t be criticised for failing.
Heads Up; Really means “heads down, duck, there’s a pile of crap coming our way”.
Incentivise; Bribe (see bonus).
Interface; The bit of he business you have grease up to make sure you get what you want.
It’s a journey; We’ve stuffed up, failed to achieve a target and have no idea where we’re headed, there­fore we’ll never set a dead line for completion or someone will find out we’re screwed.
Key Messages; A PR term denoting the nature and the order of lies to be told to the gutter press so as to put the best possible spin on yet another screw up.
Knowledge Base; Brains that can be picked so as to later present the ideas as your own.
Let’s take a moment; Take a big cup of ‘Shut the fcuk Up!’
Leverage; A gun to the head or a way of extracting unforeseen cash/policy from some improbable plan.
Low hanging fruit; Easily achieved financial savings, e.g. stopping cab chits, removing the building’s pot plants and making the staff drink instant cof fee.
Matrix; A meaningless word used to complicate a simple set of relationships affecting your business.
Mindset; Dangerous independent thought, therefore used most in the context of “changing mind set”.
Monetise; A way of screwing a buck out of some thing that is usually not inclined to surrender a dollar.
Moving forward; Putting past stuff ups behind you and concentrating on a mysterious future point at which every thing miraculously comes right. Also known as The Helen Clark School of Problem Management.
No-brainer; Don’t think about it, just do it, you’ll never spot the inevitable down side any way.
No Surprises; A policy that means you tell the CEO of any thing that could cause effluent and a fan to connect, the CEO tells the chairman and the chairman tells the minister so that the government can take cover.
Optimise; Milk it.
Organisational Review; Redundancies and budget cuts.
Out of the loop; Worst place to be, no-one telling you any thing. The only benefit is you can’t be blamed if any thing goes wrong.
Paradigm; A word used to explain a complex business/political situation no-one anticipated and every­one is now groping to under stand.
Pro-active; Dumping your crap on someone before they dump their crap on you.
Relationship/ Partnership; A cunning combination of behaviour involving sucking up to coalition part­ners and ensuring they carry some of the cost.
Result driven; You’re fired if the poll ratings don’t go up.
Re-visit; We got it wrong again and now have to go back and fix it.
Refer Up; A policy whereby underlings attempt to escape responsibility for their actions by passing decisions up the corporate food chain. Eventually the policy of No Surprises takes over and the govern­ment is warned to take cover.
Robust; Some thing so tough no-one can see the flaws in it until too late.
Run it up the flagpole; Seriously suggesting some thing you want but implying you don’t really care just in case every one thinks it’s a dumb idea.
Solution; A word seldom used in management as it is too categorical. Usually found only in the phrase “there is no quick solution”, meaning there is no such thing as a solution.
Speed to market; A panicked rush to get something on air or on sale because we have nothing else.
Stakeholder; Interfering busybodies who foolishly believe they have an interest in your business and could stuff you up.
Step Change; What we’re doing is not working and we need to think up another dumb idea.
Strategic fit; What I want.
Synergy; I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Take that off line; As in “let’s take that off-line”, which really means “shut the fcuk up, I’ll sort you out later”. See ‘Let’s take a moment.’
Take that on board; Accepting someone else’s idea but hoping they’ll for get about it and then you can do nothing.
Thinking outside the box/outside the square; Having an original idea that the CEO/Minister later can claim as his own.
Ticks in boxes; The annoying details that have to be done to slip it past the board.
Touch base; I’ll call you when I think the time is right.
Turnaround; Hauling arse out of the crap.
User friendly; Something so simple even a board member could know how to do it.
Win-Win; A mythical situation where your partners are supposed to do as well as you do.
Value proposition; Where’s the buck in this?